Goodbye Pied Piper

It feels like years since I've written an entry in my blog, in fact it almost has been. Verging close on ten months to be exact. Definitely long time no write. And for many, many reasons. Some good, some downright dreadful. I tend to clam up when I'm sad as most close to me will tell you.

Firstly, as mentioned in my last blog entry, I have gone back to running, or shall we more accurately say wogging. Combination of jogging and walking. I am still thoroughly enjoying it and think this is a habit I will keep for the rest of my life. I am doing 5km's three times a week and almost every second week a 10km race. My aim is to do the Two Oceans half marathon, that's 21km for those that don't know, next year 2013. With summer now finally making a long awaited appearance, my distances will become longer as well as the races and their frequency. Busy summer ahead.

The other reason for not blogging... A man. Oh who could of guessed?! I may or may not, in following blog entries go into this in more depth but at this point, the purpose for this entry is that I realised in order for me to try and unravell this ball of string in my head and find a way to heal my raw, broken heart, I need to start externalising what I'm thinking and feeling. At this point I feel like a fragile little bird who's wing is broken and just refuses to heal. I fear paralysis for the rest of my life. I know that this is simultaneously driving me crazy. Literally. I am starting to fear that I am actually losing my mind. So at this point, in the quest of seeing the light again, I am searching for the beginning of the fuzzy mess of string in my brain and chest. I'm sure at this point, if you' re reading this, you've figured out that all did not end well. It ended in marriage. Not to me. Many, many tears on my behalf. Much confusion on his behalf. And many phone calls from him in the months after his marriage. In fact the first one was only ten days after their marriage and a couple of days after the honeymoon...

Hours spent messaging each other and then eventually seeing each other, three months after him getting married. After each re-encounter I land up in a state of tears for days after and cannot get myself out of the dark pit that it leaves me in after falling from the high ledge the encounter originally left me precariously perching on for a couple of hours/days. This week, after yet another few evenings of crying myself to sleep or either waking mid sleep to find myself in tears, I decided enough. I deleted all points of contact. Again. I have to be honest with myself and say, I have no idea whether I will be strong enough to resist any future contacts made, but I do think if I make the effort to talk,write and unravell this mess on this here page, there may be a strong chance I may. And I so desperately need to. It is turning me into a really sad, insecure, damaged person. Not who I am. So this is my first step back into reality and wholeness. Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye Music Man. I wish you all the happiness and fulfilment you are still looking for.