Goodbye Pied Piper

It feels like years since I've written an entry in my blog, in fact it almost has been. Verging close on ten months to be exact. Definitely long time no write. And for many, many reasons. Some good, some downright dreadful. I tend to clam up when I'm sad as most close to me will tell you.

Firstly, as mentioned in my last blog entry, I have gone back to running, or shall we more accurately say wogging. Combination of jogging and walking. I am still thoroughly enjoying it and think this is a habit I will keep for the rest of my life. I am doing 5km's three times a week and almost every second week a 10km race. My aim is to do the Two Oceans half marathon, that's 21km for those that don't know, next year 2013. With summer now finally making a long awaited appearance, my distances will become longer as well as the races and their frequency. Busy summer ahead.

The other reason for not blogging... A man. Oh who could of guessed?! I may or may not, in following blog entries go into this in more depth but at this point, the purpose for this entry is that I realised in order for me to try and unravell this ball of string in my head and find a way to heal my raw, broken heart, I need to start externalising what I'm thinking and feeling. At this point I feel like a fragile little bird who's wing is broken and just refuses to heal. I fear paralysis for the rest of my life. I know that this is simultaneously driving me crazy. Literally. I am starting to fear that I am actually losing my mind. So at this point, in the quest of seeing the light again, I am searching for the beginning of the fuzzy mess of string in my brain and chest. I'm sure at this point, if you' re reading this, you've figured out that all did not end well. It ended in marriage. Not to me. Many, many tears on my behalf. Much confusion on his behalf. And many phone calls from him in the months after his marriage. In fact the first one was only ten days after their marriage and a couple of days after the honeymoon...

Hours spent messaging each other and then eventually seeing each other, three months after him getting married. After each re-encounter I land up in a state of tears for days after and cannot get myself out of the dark pit that it leaves me in after falling from the high ledge the encounter originally left me precariously perching on for a couple of hours/days. This week, after yet another few evenings of crying myself to sleep or either waking mid sleep to find myself in tears, I decided enough. I deleted all points of contact. Again. I have to be honest with myself and say, I have no idea whether I will be strong enough to resist any future contacts made, but I do think if I make the effort to talk,write and unravell this mess on this here page, there may be a strong chance I may. And I so desperately need to. It is turning me into a really sad, insecure, damaged person. Not who I am. So this is my first step back into reality and wholeness. Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye Music Man. I wish you all the happiness and fulfilment you are still looking for.

The fear of the known

The saying goes, “It is the fear of the unknown that paralyzes us”, but I am seriously starting to think it is the known that strikes fear into us.

A work colleague has just passed her first trimester of pregnancy with her first baby and is most naturally curious about all things pediatrically and gynecologically related at present. God bless her babe’s cotton booties. Now I only speak from observation as I myself am not yet a mother, so please bear with me (excuse the pun) for any discrepancies in facts or my humble opinions. But this whole rambling is just about that, the perception of what childbirth is all about and what its like and which option is best, natural or caesar or epidural or on your back or on your head, in the water, on the meds, au natural.... God alone knows the millions of options available to us modern women these days. And that too is the point, modern women and child birth. But I am side tracking from the initial point at hand, which is pregnant friend and youtube spilling the beans visually as to just what exactly can be expected.

Now I find youtube very useful when I need to figure out how to fold that damn origami lamp shade that came with no instructions or how to make little wonton soup parcels or how to win a back-breaking game of twister without actually paralyzing yourself, but I think my mother telling me that childbirth is the most painful thing you will ever experience will do me just fine right now. No footage needed. I do know that they show videos in Lamaze classes but by the time you’re in that class, its too late to turn back. If we had to employ home videos available on youtube of birthing babies into schools’ sex education curriculum, we would half the number of unwanted teen pregnancies instantly and the long term memory would stay burned into the minds of those impressionable young imps.

No person would willingly, enter into a sexual relationship, seeing what I saw this morning, knowing that there is at least a 50% chance of the experience seen this morning materialising, courtesy of youtube. No sirree, it frightened me as a thirty-something and I’m sure it would terrify any teenager long enough to get through high school still being a virgin. The amazing thing is though, that a woman’s body produces large amounts of pain (and memory) numbing hormones* in the hours during and after natural childbirth that even though our mothers and grandmothers tell us its the most unbelievably painful experience, most know it was, but cannot actually remember the intensity of the pain. (Natural child birth that is.)

Our bodies are amazing things, with the gift as women specifically, to be able to grow and nurture life within us. The process through which we go and the point we get to when birthing a child is nothing short of a miracle. God gave us this opportunity to experience this miracle and made us in such a way as to naturally be equipped for it. (Don’t forget it was because of the snake that caused us to experience pain during this process). We are lucky that today as modern women, we have so many options when entering this time of our lives with many knowledgeable doctors and amazing technology to our advantage. Sometimes we are not able to give birth naturally and are blessed with alternative options like c-section. I do also think though that we have forgotten the power of our own natural instincts to do as we were naturally made to do during childbirth. And damn you youtube for frightening the living daylights out of me before I’ve even had the opportunity to go down that road myself, knowing Gods hand is on me and my child and our birthing experience, whether it be natural or not, all I would ask for be a positive and fearless one.


*“Beta-endorphin is the stress hormone that builds up in a natural labor to help the laboring woman to transcend pain. Beta-endorphin is also associated with the altered state of consciousness that is normal in labor. Being “on another planet,” as some describe it, helps the mother-to-be to work instinctively with her body and her baby, often using movement and sounds. Epidurals reduce the laboring woman’s release of beta-endorphin. Obstetric care providers have assumed that control of pain is the foremost concern of laboring women, and that effective pain relief will ensure a positive birth experience. In fact, there is evidence that the opposite may be true. Several studies have shown that women who use no labor medication are the most satisfied with their birth experience at the time, at six weeks, and at one year after the birth.  In a UK survey of 1,000 women, those who had used epidurals reported the highest levels of pain relief but the lowest levels of satisfaction with the birth, probably because of the higher rates of intervention.”

Excerpt courtesy of www.nursingbirth.com: http://nursingbirth.com/2009/03/30/study-finds-that-memory-of-labor-pain-is-influenced-by-a-womans-childbirth-experience/

Sharing is caring

As I sit here and strike finger to key, right here, right now, I have no idea what this entry is going to be about. The title area is still blank.

Not that my head and heart are empty, in fact, its the very opposite. Way too much going on and not knowing where to start and what to stay. I suppose you can say that this is finding the start of the string that I think, over time, will unravel to be a very long, knotty one.

I've been sitting thinking about this blogging thing and wondering, "Why do people blog exactly?" Do they do it for others or do they do it for themselves? Do they do it to let off steam, unravel the ball of string or is it just for the sake of record? That one day their children and grandchildren may look back and read their grandmother's blog. The blog of Ann Frank....

Blogging is quite different from a diary though, as its available to all and sundry to read. Its not for your eyes only, it is not personal. So that in itself puts a blogger at a cross road. If you choose to follow the route of a public diary, are you brave enough to share and bare all, knowing everyone and their grandmother is reading it? If you censor your thoughts and feelings, is this then really a "diary platform" for your daily rants and raves?

For those that blog and have chosen to make it their *public private diary platform, perhaps it is that, that has made blogging so popular. The opportunity to share private thoughts and feelings relatively anonymously without eye to eye contact. On the flip side, it gives us the opportunity to look inside someone's head and heart without too much face to face probing. And you wonder where the word facebook came from...

Now is this a bad thing or a good thing? Life is so full and complicated as it is. We are so bombarded by constant information in the age of information technology, is blogging just adding to the constant drone of information noise in our heads? Does it add opportunity for the unsavoury variety in our societies to hone in on someone and incur some form of harm, security breach, stalk them, threaten them, rebuke them, lure them, scam them, abduct them? Is it safe? Ok, so I have a very active imagination but, the level of personal information and images people share across digital platforms is quiet astounding to me and I often wonder how the deviant mind out there would find a way to use these bits, or wads in some cases, of information for more illegal and twisted purposes. But, we cannot live in fear.

The thing is, when we get our thoughts down on black and white, it helps us sift through the clutter in our minds. It helps us to be more honest about and with ourselves. It helps to gain clarity. It helps to gain understanding of ourselves and of others. It helps to see things from another person's perspective. It helps to share, and in my world, sharing is caring.

*new oxymoron ;-). I love oxymorons, especially "government worker"

Run Forest Run!!!

As mentioned in my previous post, I've been thinking about starting running again. This is a massive thought for me, never mind decision. I have not run for over 12 years.... There. I said it, out loud, and in public.

I have however continued walking on and off in the last 12 years, but no running. Too much wobbling. A bit of a chicken/egg thing going here, no running = more wobbling and more wobbling = no running. But no, the time has come, the seagull said, to start working towards running and stop wobbling.

There is, no doubt, going to have to be lots of walking before the running starts. I will take it slowly, yet I will be diligent about this, through hail, snow, rain, heat waves, whatever.... I will run again. I used to run competitively and the longest race I ever ran was the Kellog's 32km in Springs, Johannesburg.  I used to run between 50 and 70km's per week. I loved running and the way it made me feel. I have no idea how I became so disinterested in it.

Running is a character building sport that teaches you discipline and perseverance. It gives you time to think and clear all the cobwebs out your head and lungs. It gives you an opportunity to get close to nature, which we sorely need when working in an office all day. Running used to be my time out to recoup and regroup.

The first step, is to join a running club. I have decided to do the sane and responsible thing and go with Run Walk For Life. There I will have the opportunity to start slowly with other like bodied and minded people, in a safe environment, and take it from there. I have found a branch close to home and will get that all sorted in the next week.

Step two is to get kitted out. The fun part!!! Start shopping for shoes. I'm bracing myself as the last time I bought a decent pair of running shoes 8 years ago, they were over R1000. I'm very curious to see how technology and ergonomics of running shoes have changed. The art of running shoe design is fascinating. Socks are just as important. I'm a very fussy shoe person as it is, as I'm totally claustrophobic. Anything tight, cutting or restrictive over my arch or rising over my ankles is a no-no. So I'm imagining there will be a lot to compare. The interesting thing with my feet though is that the one foot pronates and the other supinates. One rolls in and the other rolls out as my foot hits the ground from heel to toe. This is because of a hip operation I had as a child.


Most people either pronate or supinate or have a perfectly balanced foot roll, but not both and when shopping for shoes in the past, this caused a little problem, as most running shoes, either have a support system on the inside for heavy pronation or a support system on the outside for heavy supination. Not both. People who run "straight" can go for shoes without sturdier support systems, but for someone who both pronates and supernates, there is not enough support in this case. So this might be a little tricky. I will get back on this topic after looking around and share my findings.

The next step is clothing. Underwear or more specifically sports bras. A sports bra was not something I needed 10 years ago, but as mentioned, the wobble factor in direct relation to the no running factor has won out. The word "training bra" has taken on a whole new meaning in this case. Enough said.

Previously I used to run in poly shorts. Those dreadful looking parachute fabric things. Not this time round. Besides having become horribly unfashionable, there is the wobble factor which would be a sight for sore eyes in poly shorts at the best of times. So I think a pair of peddle pushers and a modest t-shirt will do for now. Some sun screen thrown in for good measure and I should be all kitted out and ready to roll.

I can't wait!!! I would like to get my fitness back on track and be able to say I can achieve something beyond my professional life. Something I can challenge myself with that is on a totally different wavelength from what has been my goal orientated professional desk bound life for the last 16 years.

I will keep a regular update as to how the (walking and then) running is doing here. I am glad I have the whole summer to get into this as running in winter is not for the faint-hearted. It takes determination and discipline. Lots of it. And wool lined training bras. ;-)

A bit more about pronation and supination: "A unique set of actions and reactions that your foot performs while in motion to support, cushion and balance your body."

What is Pronation?
Pronation refers to the inward roll of the foot during normal motion and occurs as the outer edge of the heel strikes the ground and the foot rolls inward and flattens out. A moderate amount of pronation is required for the foot to function properly, however damage and injury can occur during excessive pronation. When excessive pronation does occur the foot arch flattens out and stretches the muscles, tendons and ligaments underneath the foot.


What is Supination?
Supination is the opposite of pronation and refers to the outward roll of the foot during normal motion. A natural amount of supination occurs during the push-off phase of the running gait as the heel lifts off the ground and the forefoot and toes are used to propel the body forward. However, excessive supination (outward rolling) places a large strain on the muscles and tendons that stabilize the ankle, and can lead to the ankle rolling completely over, resulting in an ankle sprain or total ligament rupture.

All things beautiful

And so I join the wonderful world of blogging...  albeit almost a decade behind in the inception of blogging for some.

A short introduction.... I am a graphic designer by day and explorer of all things and beings different at all other times. I search out and I suppose, have made a habit of always seeing the quirky side in any situation. At the same time I have a sneaky suspicion that Murphy spends most of his time following me, just waiting for some opportunity to pull his jester moves and produce some bizarre situation. I am also quite convinced that my mothers' actual maiden name may well be Murphy, as she is also bestowed with the great treasure of having the most strange events happen in the most quirky of ways. The upside to this is that there seems to be some balancing law of salvation though, in that the most uncanny things happen in my life, yet can be looked back on with gratitude at various situations and know how lucky I was to be able to look back and laugh, unscathed.

I do however believe, that happiness is a choice. Having a positive outlook on life and not sweating the small stuff, goes a long way to coping with the curve balls that life throws us. 

The funny thing is, we have as humans, known this for years and decades and ions gone by.  Like a homing pigeon is programmed to come back to the roost, we know at the center of our beings, we can choose. Yet we don't...

We refer to a glass being either half full or half empty. This is a perfect example. How we look at something makes all the difference in our perception of it. Which in turn influences how we feel about something, and that my friends, is the trick. How we feel about something. Anything. Everything. Ourselves. Others. Life. We have a choice in how we feel.  And how we feel and think about everything dictates what happens in our lives. Our thoughts create our reality.

Its not always easy to curb your thinking if being negative has become a habit, but with time and practice and being patient with yourself, you realize that, "Hey, I can do this and it is actually working!" And you retrain your mind and soul to choose happiness and see the beauty in everything. 

I laugh at the Jester's jokes that cross my path in life because that's what they are. Jokes. An opportunity to utilize them to find my underlying strengths and be aware that I have a choice to be happy and smell the sweet heady smell of the roses.